I dragged along with me a rather large amount of "baggage" which I covered from others as neatly and completely as possible. Just as I was entering again into an active relationship with Joe (aka Master), I decided realized that the truth is I am tired of trying to hide so many parts of my life and lying to him and you.
It also seems crazy to me that I am about to write and post my feelings and conflicts here. In truth, most of my action here (if not all) has been shrouded in lies. I decided that I no longer wanted to lie to Joe, nor to others reading this blog. He suggested that I post here and share what I wanted to share about my journey in life, and by doing so that I might further my understanding of myself.
Joe has already posted an accurate history of my involvement with him over the past 3 to 4 years:
I have come to him, and run away, then returned, then run away, then returned...and then decided to just be honest.
So.....here goes. Contrary to what I told him last, I have not moved from Str8 to Bi to being Gay. I am still a mixture of all three. Nor have I moved out on my gf. The truth is that I am married, have children, and no one in my "real" life knows that I have anything to do with gay sex, nor that I have sought out someone like Joe, who is a strong bdsm master of males.
|Male Bonding: Str8, Bi, Gay?|
For years, I have had this intense desire to be connected with other men, and to feel like a man among men. I have not wanted it to be sexual. The predominant reasons it became sexual were that I did not receive the heterosexual bonding and guidance I needed, and in its place I easily found pictures and other media that suggested the only way for me to find it was through images and fantasy and sex with other men. It's been one of the largest hungers in my life.
I only wish that my own father would have been able to give as much to me. But, he could not. With this void, I feel hungry to feel a man's weight. I want to have him put his whole weight upon my body. I want to feel his hands, firm and strong upon me, but not necessarily sexually.
I have a teenage son. He and I live under the same roof. He daily ambushes me with a body slam and bear hug. When I say good night to him at night, sometimes he wants me to literally lay my whole body on top of his....and sometimes I do. It is in no way sexual at all. He said to his mother the other day, "It's too bad that some men think it's a gay thing to hug their sons. Cause it's not." He is all boy, and is already completely turned on by the young female beauties around him. I know because he talks to me about it. He would be crushed to know of this struggle I have had, and that I have chosen at times to feed the sexual hunger.
So, I have been left with a huge hunger in my life. Somewhere along the way, I met Joe. Joe is intense...in every way you can imagine. He's intense when training another guy. He is intense in his work (I don't have solid proof of this, but I have seen enough signs of it to believe it is true). He is intense in his affection for others. But, with him, he bridged the male sexual and the physical connection in a way and in a depth I had not experienced before. He will warn you that he is addictive and is he ever. Soon, I got hooked into a world of male master control, punishment, denied sexual release and yet, love and caring as well.
So, I soon focused on the part of me that was led only by my sexual cravings...this part turned into what I called, "slavehearted." It became my focus. I tried to allow this part to coexist with the rest of my life. But, then I learned that Joe could not and would not give himself to a guy who had a wife and family, so I decided to lie to him about everything.
I didn't worry about the lies. My experience online has been, in a nut-shell, a lie to everyone. My experience has shown me that 98% of everything that men say to each other online is a lie. It's a fantasy. I didn't see this being any different.
So....here is what I think has been the conflict in my life: I have attempted to fill the hunger and need in my life to bond with other str8 men...and since it didn't happen when I was a boy, along the way, it became sexualized.
When I was about 17 years old, I went into a "family" book store to look for a particular reference book, and there tucked among the books on the shelf in front of me was an Advocate Men magazine. I don't need to explain what was in the magazine. It felt like a volcano exploded inside me. I tucked the magazine into my coat, and walked out of the store with it. That led to using the free gay 900 phone numbers, and learning the lingo, and jacking my brains out. I had such a huge need inside to connect with a man in a real way....and this magazine was the cheap substitute. It was a hole that opened in the ground and swallowed me up.
This led me to going into adult bookstores....and soon I said yes to the guy who wanted to blow me in the rest stop late one night....which was truly an accidental encounter when I was driving back to college campus. I was not looking for it...but it happened and I let it happen. This led to more bookstore encounters. I kept it all secret, I felt it was not really a part of my life...it just happened...but the conflict grew inside me and roared for attention .
|A Bondable Man|
I wanted to be connected with men, yet I was afraid of men. I could not even refer to myself as a "man" in my thoughts or my words. It was as if there was an unseen separation between me and all the other men of the world. Somehow, I had missed out on the "secret code" of being a man.
I felt different, and uncomfortable in what I perceived to be the world of normal men. I felt like the outsider any time I was around a group of men, and I began learning early any way I could to avoid being in a group of men.
On the outside, I was nice looking, in good shape, athletic (excelled in individual sports....group/team sports scared the crap out of me), but on the inside I was frozen....stuck somewhere in a boyhood that hid in the shadows longing to be connected with men....as a man.
So, in my "outside life," I met a young woman, connected with her, and began to feel the parts of me that liked doing man things. I married her, and began to put behind me the hungers I described above. No marriage is perfect. No marriage is without conflict. Conflict in my marriage started early, and my default comfort was to turn to male phone sex, fantasy and masturbation. Thus began the struggle again....but always hidden in secret.
Here is what I think I know.....there was a lot that my own father and brothers could not give me. I think my father couldn't give it, because he had never learned it. I tried making my way through life alone without a male role model, the best I could. What I received from my father was mostly his anger. He did not teach me sports. He did not lead me in any way. I received no emotional or individual input from him. What I longed for was the heterosexual bonding that fathers and their sons should have. There was nothing sexual that I longed for from him. What I longed for was for him to put his hand on my shoulder in a relaxed way that said, "We're both just guys here." I wanted him to wrestle with me. I wanted to feel as if I existed in his world, and that I mattered to him.
Today, I think I am faced with trying to fill this hole (lack of maleness) inside me by giving myself to Joe, the perfect master, (although, he is no longer offering it to me). Either that, or I can turn and attempt to fill this void in another way.
|Is He Like Me?|
I have learned that if I will risk walking in discomfort (walking on through the fear)....in order to connect with other men...and to actually enter into a relationship, and a friendship....that I find that most other men are a LOT like me...and that I also am a LOT like them. Too many times I allowed the fear of other men and the discomfort of feeling different from other men further my isolation from them. I had at one time had an opportunity to play on a recreational men's softball team. I signed up thinking, "I'm just going to do it." But when it actually came time to play...I felt sick to my stomach. I felt like I was going to vomit. I looked for any excuse not to go and play. I was afraid. I had had too many experiences of not being taught and ending up looking like a fool on the field. I didn't want that to happen again. It all just contributed to my fears as an adult, and became another brick in the wall that separated me from other men.
But, I am finding as an adult that the more I walk on through the fear and discomfort, and connect with other men in non-sexual, bonding ways, the less I feel pulled into that neediness that result in homosexual experiences. I can best describe my neediness as trying to gain a masculinity by finding it in another man....almost like trying to draw the life out of him. But, when I connect in the right way...in a non-sexual relationship....it's like I begin to find out that I am a man just like other men, and I gain a sense of my own masculinity....so that I can actually GIVE to other men in a masculine sense...and I feel full inside. The hole begins to close up. I really feel it is a hetero, non-sexualized bonding that fills me up and makes me feel solid inside.
For now, this is a daily decision I have to make. When the pressures of my life heat up...and they have been heated the past few months in my life...it's then that my default is to turn to what I have known for so many years (homosexual sex)....and this would explain my recent connections here. But, I know better. I know that if I can find the alternative it will actually bring me life, and joy and health and happiness. I know the choice I have to make. I just have been buried in what I have lived for so long. The easy way was to seek the homosexual encounter. It was secret, and devoid of real relationship.
|Goal: Not To Mess Up My Family|
Maybe I will update you on my progress at some future time. Don't know. But, I am setting my sights toward my life now....my real life that was meant to be. I want real. So....thank you, Joe, for allowing me to write this here....and thanks for pushing me back toward my real life and my family.